Today is going to get a little real, but I'm a sucker for authenticity. It took many parents many years to teach me tact. Truthfully, I'm still learning! I tend to be extreme. I love big but I also hurt big. To most I'm dramatic, but I prefer the word passionate.
For a long time in our marriage Oscar and I were just trying to survive. It was one crisis after another. My mom died our first year, we become parents our second year, years three and four were spent in and out of hospitals because Eli (our firstborn) was "sick". Five and six seemed good, but truthfully we were living in routine. Not really investing in ourselves or our marriage. Seven, brought a lot of truths, which shed some light on areas in my life I hadn't dealt with and because of that I was consumed with bitterness. I didn't have my mom to help me mother. I didn't have the career I wanted. I believed I didn't deserve the husband I was given. People always tell us how lucky I am to have him but not so much vice-versa. Which now seems like a silly thing to keep score of, but hey I was in a rough place; and people are wrong it's not luck. Oscar and I are blessed to have each other, we do life better together.
I was in this rut consumed by fear, consumed with lies and I had zero peace. I was creating worst case scenarios in my head and was spiraling out of control. I was living in major anxiety and minor depression. This weight became my comfort. The isolation became my normal.
After a major blow up in our marriage I realized I NEEDED TO CHANGE in order to see a difference in my home. In order to do that I had to learn to love myself, all of me even the baggage. I went to counseling earlier this year. Learned about the anatomy of a strong hold, you are told a lie, then something happens to justify the lie, and you begin to believe the lie. For example: you are told you are dumb, you fail a test and now believe "well they were right I am dumb, I failed." I believed the lies of my past. The lies that told me I wasn't enough. I stopped hearing God and filled my mind with negative thoughts that literally consumed my every day. My life was fueled by a stronghold of fear, anxiety, and depression. It was a dark and scary place, I don't particularly like to talk about or share with people.
To make a long story short I realized I needed to find my identity in Christ before I could find love anywhere else. So for the past few months I've been actively praying for God to show me love. I have clung to the verse, "Draw near to God and he will draw near to you…" James 4:8. I have been asking God to show me the truth. To remind me of his love for me, I needed him to show up in a big way and I knew only God could renew me.
This weekend God covered me in love. Prayers I have prayed in secret have been answered. Wounds have been healed. Tears have been shed; lots of tears have been shed. But God has been so good to me!
At the beginning of the conference I attended this weekend at my church they asked us to pick an envelope. The prayer team for this conference picked 10 verses they believed individuals at the conference needed. I could have picked any envelope and any verse but I picked this one.
Truthfully, y'all when I read this I for real ugly cried, like I wept. The sweet lady sitting next to me prayed over me because she knew I needed the love. She didn't know why I was crying and she didn't have to know she just knew I needed to hear the TRUTH! I am the ONE! The one he has been chasing. The one he loves unconditionally. The one he sees, knows, and hears. I am the one and so are you. He loves you and me so much. He doesn't care about the past, he wants to meet you where you are and walk beside you till the end. You don't have to have it all together to have it all. You just have to look up and say, "God take my heart and make it clean." Listen, I know I will never be perfect and I will still fall short and if you put your faith in me I'm going to fail you. But if we both take a leap of faith and trust in God, he won't fail us. Circumstances might not change, but the perspective will.
"…be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So say with confidence, the Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid." Hebrews: 13 5-6
This week is a special week for me. I am going to honor my dearest and oldest friend. She has called me friend, through the crooked smile, the awkward preteen years, the bad relationships, stood by me on my wedding day, and held my hand at my mother's funeral. She has been dealt a tragic fate and has shown time and time again the wonder of God's love. Alex's firstborn Noel only lived to be 15 days old. After Noel they longed to still be parents but learned they couldn't, because of a chromosome deficiency. They tried adoption, and it failed. The biological mother changed her mind.
Alex showed such strength and grace towards the mother. Alex told her from the beginning of the adoption process, if she ever changed her mind Alex would understand, because she knew the pain of losing a child.
The good news is through this entire process God was in control. He loved Alex every step of the way. Alex and Caleb (her husband) recently celebrated the FIRST birthday of their daughter Liv, who is without a doubt the prettiest miracle I've ever met.
Alex, you will never know (this side of heaven) how much I treasure our friendship. You have loved me through all of my darkness. I have done my best to love you through yours. Through our tragedies we have learned to bring joy to each other. We can vent and there be no judgment. We encourage each other to chase our dreams and when an opportunity comes to take it! However, the best thing about our friendship is our joy. When we are together we can't help but laugh. I love you big, best friend and I am so incredibly honored to walk this life with you. I hope these flowers remind you of the love God has for you. You are a beautiful, powerful, and an inspiring woman. I pray you will "rejoice always, pray continually, and give thanks in all circumstances."
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